Jonathan Santolofer’s book, The Widower’s Notebook, is a memoir. The author of The Death Artist and Anatomy of Fear did not write an instructional manual as to how to survive grief. It’s a very personal account of the sudden death of his wife, Joy, and his own struggle with grief and his emotions around her death.

Joy Santlofer was “only” scheduled for outpatient surgery on her leg, but a day later she was dying. What caused it is not the focus of the book, although it took her husband over a year to learn what the cause of death was. And, that’s an unusual story in itself. But, at the time Joy was dying, her husband could only watch in panic as the paramedics worked on her, rushed her to the hospital, and then she was gone. Jonathan Santlofer needed comfort after she was gone, but he couldn’t ask for it. There was “a stance I maintained for months, the strong man who needs no one.” He and their daughter, Doria, were united in loss, but neither could share their feelings. And, Jonathan shut down and used his art and his work to get him through days and months and several years. But, he never shared his feelings with friends.

Santlofer says he had unexpected moments of paralysis, sadness, or confusion. He already had tendencies toward depression, so that was not unusual. He forced himself to “act normal”. And, he had feelings of guilt, not just grief, because he had seen his wife dying, and wasn’t there ten minutes earlier, and wasn’t able to save her.

Is death of a partner and grief the same for men and women? Everyone’s is different, but Santlofer observes that women are allowed to grieve for a longer period of time, while men are told to move on and get over it. At a dinner party, he said men are stuck as “grieving men who are not allowed to openly grieve, yet condemned if they do not grieve enough”.

As I said, this is Jonathan Santlofer’s memoir. He does make a few comments about those “friends” who don’t acknowledge the grief or loss, who met with him, but wouldn’t even mention Joy’s name. He couldn’t ask people to talk about her, but they didn’t acknowledge the loss of the woman he had loved and been married to for over forty years.

The Widower’s Notebook is not a step-by-step guide as to how to get through the first days, weeks, months, years. It’s one man’s story. But, he has one point to which I will certainly agree. We all grieve in our own way. The words about “time heals” and “closure” may sound ridiculous, and cutting to a new widow or widower. Everyone has to cope in their own way. And, what he says should be a new mantra is the only point that pertains to all of us who have lost a spouse or partner. “You are doing the best you can.”

Jonathan Santlofer’s website is www.jonathansantlofer.com

The Widower’s Notebook by Jonathan Santlofer. Penguin Books, 2018. ISBN 9780143132493 (paperback), 260p.

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